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Below are the 6 most recent journal entries recorded in Sterling's LiveJournal:

Tuesday, September 19th, 2006
12:41 am
His world
When we're apart the dull ache is constant. It kills me to be away from him. I love him. So I think of moving to be with him. Leaving my family and moving ahead to the next stage of my life, a stage that would include him. But I know what living in his world will require. And it is just that... HIS world. I will always be living in his world, I don't imagine that it would ever be ours together. He's warned me, to be fair. I know about the boards he'll sit on and the committees he's on. Could I be that woman? A society wife attending cocktail parties, charity balls and gala events? And the constant travel. At first we'll go together. Then he'll go alone, but call every night and miss me intensely. Eventually, I fear he'll look forward to "getting away" from me (and 'the kids?!') and I'll be home, restlessly wondering whether he's with other women during these business trips around the world. Is he capable of monogamy? I don’t trust him, but maybe it’s just because I don’t trust myself and we seem to be so alike. Why do I always assume that he’s not telling the truth? The most minor of things. The website goes down and I wonder whether secretly other people are being allowed to sign in and he’s intentionally locked me out. The website. OUR website. His gift to me.

I know that he loves me. But he also needs me. I don't know that I'm strong enough to support him. Half the time I worry that I can't support myself. I'm 22. I'm a kid. He's a successful businessman. He's living in the future that I'm putting off. I don't know that I want to move into a readymade slot. I want a chance to create a world with someone from scratch, not just fill the void that already exists in his universe. But can I really just walk away?
Saturday, September 16th, 2006
3:14 am
Something.
Write something. Write... something.

It's been awhile since I've written. I kind of think that nobody reads LJ anymore. Actually, maybe I'm hoping that's the case. I dunno. Either way. I just need to get back into the habit of writing. Expressing. Identifying my feelings. Phil is what made me think of it. It's so amazing to watch him growing and changing. Supposedly I've played some part in that. I hope so. It's nice to think that I could make someone better rather than just leaving a trail of destruction. I feel that way sometimes, that perhaps I'm toxic.

Phil. I love him. I do. But I don't know how or why. I can't understand it, but I know that I love him deeply. Kinda scary, really. After all, we have almost no chance of making it. Here's the really awful part: I don't know if I would want to. Not want to. That's the wrong word. I WANT it to work, I just can't imagine it. I can't imagine him coming to lamaze classes with me. I don't see him picking the kids up from school, or going to our daughter's dance recital, or kissing them goodnight and then spending an hour of coveted alone time with me. I just don't see the softness. Sometimes he strikes me as vulnerable, but even in his vulnerability there is a danger. Like a wounded animal that is somehow even more dangerous and combative in it's weakened state. He has this INTENSITY. He loves me, I know. But he loves me ferociously, not gently. I feel sometimes that he would devour me if he could.

The thing is, I certainly need that intensity. The passion. I want to be overpowered. But I also need tenderness. Man this is sappy. But it's true. I know that I would go crazy in a "normal" relationship. Phillip and I share something so unique in my world. He knows the deep dark parts of me, and appreciates them. My dirty secrets don't scare him. They can be brought to light with him and I fear no judgment or repercussion. He needs me. But does he ever just want to protect me? To hold me and let me fall apart and cry? Or could I ever be that for him?? I want him to collapse into me. I want us each to be stronger together. I'm losing my mind now. It's too late and I'm too tired. But at least I'm writing.

Monogamy. 48 hours have gone by since we first discussed the idea of being monogamous. Since then I have fooled around with B. It's tearing me apart, keeping this from Phil, but would he really want to know? And after all, I didn't have sex with B, and that was all Phil and I had 100% agreed to. I need to talk to him about this. Ask for specification, clarification. While I don't want either of us going out and fucking random strangers if we are to be together, I also don't know how I feel about the idea of neither of us being open to meeting other people. I'm 22 and we live on opposite sides of the continent. Is it realistic to assume that we'll end up together? Doubtful. Oh but I want him so. I want him. I want. I. I. I. This doesn't seem fair to Phil. He could go to Europe. He could meet someone prettier and smarter and more successful. What do I have to offer? What will I ever have to offer? Can this ever be a 50/50 partnership?? He's 28 and a successful businessman and an adult. So smart. So so smart. And funny. And beautiful. What am I? A 22 year old college student already thousands of dollars in debt living off of Daddy with plans to be philanthropic and make very little money. It's been almost 2 years now. 2 YEARS!! And we neither of us planned for this to last. I was supposed to leave. It was supposed to end, But that morning... those damn doves got involved. And now it's over. I'm his and there is nothing else I want to be. If it means losing me and never having what I thought I wanted, at least I'll have Him.

It's late. This is dramatic and silly. And I love him. And it hurts. And I wrote something.
Saturday, January 21st, 2006
3:17 pm
Appetizing IM conversation
Him: i'm hungry
Me: eat
Him: i don't know what to eat
Me: eat one of the undulating soul train dancers
Him: ha! i bet they are good
Me: go eat eggs
Me: or Baja fresh
Me: or pineapple
Me: or noodles
Me: or sushi
Me: or yogurt
Me: or cereal
Me: or bell peppers
Me: or pudding
Me: or roast beef
Me: or egg-rolls
Me: or cookies
Me: or pancakes
Me: or steak
Me: or a hamburger
Me: or cheese
Me: or salad
Me: or chicken
Me: or bread
Me: or pie
Me: or broccoli
Me: or tuna
Me: or watermelon
Me: or a potato
Me: or pickles
Me: or a canoli
Me: or marzipan
Me: or buffalo wings
Me: or salmon
Me: or a cupcake
Me: or a banana
Me: or turkey and dumplings
Me: or meat-loaf
Me: or a popsicle
Me: or grapes
Me: or an onion
Me: or rice
Me: or mac&cheese
Me: or tilapia
Me: or a ham steak
Me: or mango
Me: or a vanilla milkshake
Me: or french fries
Me: or green beans
Tuesday, August 16th, 2005
8:31 pm
It's been almost five months. Five months sounds like a long time. It feels like she was here yesterday. I suppose that five months of twenty-one years isn't long at all.
Wednesday, August 10th, 2005
8:29 pm
I think that losing my mom meant losing knowing that someone REALLY knew me, TRULY understood me, and yet still chose to REALLY and TRULY love me.
Saturday, August 23rd, 2003
5:42 pm
Getting to know me (that was supposed to be amusing...)
I'm starting over again, I've erased all the old entries.

It's very nice to meet you; Here's a little intro:

My name is Lena. Seaman Lena. That's right, I am in the US Navy. Right now I am learning Russian at the prestigious Defense Language Institute in beautiful Monterey, California. The class I started out in actually graduated last week. That was pretty hard to watch as it means I should now be a petty officer and on my way to Japan to be with my fiance. (oh yes, and I'm engaged. His name is Trevor, but you'll meet him later.)

So I was pulled out of class several months ago when I was accused of cheating. Thankfully my teachers and chain of command all knew me better than that and wanted me to stay so they actually petitioned (something that has NEVER been done here before) to put me back in class, which is where I am now.

I am not someone I would expect to be in the military and was even less so when I joined. I enlisted as a seventeen year old who didn't really know what else to do. I'm still proud of the choice I made, though it has deffinately changed my life. Heck, I even wear shoes now!

I'm from southern California where most of my family still lives. A frustrating not-so-fatherly father, a wonderful (though truth be told, not-so-motherly) mother, and one of two brothers. My other brother, an officer in the army, is currently living in Oklahoma. I recently saw the play.

Back home in SoCal I have a lot of terrififc friends most of whom seem to be slowly drifting away. I guess that is pretty normal, but it's tough to watch. Right now I'm focusing on keeping hold of the ones I need to survive. Mainly Cheryl. Cheryl is one of the most amazing people I've ever met. She has red hair, 'nuff said. She is that person you have enough one liner 'personal jokes' with, you could carry on an entire conversation and noone else would ever understand. She is amazing. I decided long ago that she is my one true soul-mate. Forget the future husband, Cheryl is the other piece of my soul, he's just a really good friend I happen to be in love with.

Speaking of which, now may be a good time to show you Trevor. Trev is a gifted Russian linguist who was asked to tutor me when I was a newbie. He did so and about three tutoring sessions later, I moved in. He is probably the last person in the world I would have EVER said I'd end up with, but we work. First of all, I'm attracted to assholes. Stupid assholes are even better. I like a guy who doesn't take life to seriously (this quality is usually expressed through tatoos, drinking ands drugs) and who doesn't pressure me into a steady relationship too quickly (i.e he's probably seeing other girls) but really shows he cares (translation: gets violent if I say another guys name. Trevor is smart, sweet, kind, serious and faithful. The only way in which he resembles my norm is in that he is older, 25.

I get scared sometimes. Panick because he's so stable. So not my type. I get bored. I want to make him fight with me. Show some emotion. You see, although Trev has no problem showing he cares, "bad" emotions terrify him. His brother actually abused his young wife thus cementing in Trev's mind the idea that he must never EVER get mad at me. He won't fight, won't get irritated, won't get upset. It makes me want to kick him.

Anyway, so Trev and I have been together for about a year (not terribly long, I know) and this past March he proposed to me while I was visiting in Texas. We wanted to wait awhile to marry, but when I was told that I was being pulled out of class we were nearly forced into doing it sooner than we had planned, in June, to be exact. Thankfully that wasn't necessary and we are now talking about doing it in November or December of 2004, after I graduate from a follow on class in Texas.

Hmmm.... Cheryl, Trevor, the Navy..... what am I forgetting? Those three are pretty much my life right now. It's hard to be away from Chmer and Trev both, really hard.

I recently joined the run team actually. Kinda funny since I SUCK at running and the team is actually for competing. But I am getting better, as I now run 5-6 days a week. Can you imagine, me? HA! I have a hard time believing it.

I'm bored. You must be even more so, if you are still even here. I think this is the worst entry I have ever written, a fabulous start! I'm going to get going now, but it was 'o-chen pree-yaht-no' or, 'very nice to meet you!'

Current Mood: bored
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